If

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful...


I know this is wrong. I realise it. But there’s nothing I can do. No matter how hard I try, I can’t deny my feeling. I’m total stupid. I’m falling for someone I should never be.

She’s not worth loving. Not by a great, dark wizard, a real Slytherin, like me.

I can never understand why sometimes life can be so unfounded, absurd, and… painful. Where’s my common sense when I need it most? All of this time, how can I lose my rationality and let my heart control my mind? Foolish!

Why it should be her?
If only she were not a Gryffindor. If only she were of pure blood. If only she weren’t that white.

If only she weren’t Lily Evans…

***

King’s Cross, the Last Year

God, why should you create such a lovely thing?

Maybe I’ll never be able to see her bright green eyes anymore. She’ll never be smiling back at me. The smell of her sweet perfume will not linger in the air that I breathe…

You’ve ruined my life. You’ve torn me apart. You’re just my shattered dream. And you’re unforgiven.
I will never be able to forget you.

“Sev?”

Now that you’re standing in front of my eyes, I don’t know what to say.

***

Spring, the next year

“If someday you want… Another way…”

No. It won’t happen. This is my way, and I don’t want another.

“Just think about it. And if someday you change your mind… Don’t you understand how—“

“No, I understand.”

I can always understand you. You don’t have to say what’s running through your mind just to make me understand.

But you know that nothing can change my mind. Not even your pleading green eyes.

“Think about it all over again, Sev.”

“I won’t change my decision.”

Stop looking at me like that. You know you can’t change me.

“I only wish that you will find the right way. Your own way. And your own happiness.”

The right way? I have found my right way.

And happiness?

Should I care about it anymore? After you leave?

***

The last autumn
ruin of the Potter's house

If I had known what the future would bring.
If I had found the right way.
If I had listened to your every word…

I shouldn’t have let you go.
I shouldn’t have let him take you away from me.
I should have been the one who protected you.
Who loved you.





for Severus Snape,
a lover in silence.